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Let’s be real — sex doesn’t always go smoothly. It often isn’t as seamless and carefree as it is in the movies.
Sexual performance anxiety is common — and while it can affect anyone, people with penises often have to deal with it at a greater level. They’re expected to have a physical response to arousal, and few people are willing to talk about how often things go awry.
Mike Johnson — of Bachelor franchise fame — recently spoke on the Lovers and Friends With Shan Boodram podcast and openly discussed his own experience with erectile unpredictability. It takes him around two and a half months to have consistent erections during sex, specifically with women that he cares about, he said on the podcast.
“For me, I get in my head and I don’t want her to feel that I just want her for her body, and I overthink and overcompensate for so many different things,” he told host Shan Boodram.
Unrealistic body standards and porn can also play a role in erectile unpredictability: Despite knowing these are paid actors creating a fantasy, it sets a standard that no real human can meet, said Carolanne Marcantonio, a sex therapist based in Brooklyn.
So much of erectile unpredictability (aside from medical conditions) is also about not being able to stay present in your body for pleasure because you’re so focused on performance, she added.
“There’s often a lot associated with this connection of masculinity to physical perfection,” she said. That can exacerbate body image concerns and in turn decrease the ability to have or maintain erections, she said. “It is very normal for erections to wax and wane during sex or during foreplay or play or whatever someone wants to call it. It’s unrealistic to think you’re going to be rock hard for hours.”
Norms and judgment associated with masturbation can also increase the risk of premature ejaculation, Marcantonio said. “For them, it’s about figuring out how to manage their pleasure and how to feel in their body what’s going on so they can back off when they’re getting close to orgasm and slow down,” said Marcantonio.
If you are experiencing any sexual performance issues, it’s important to see a doctor. A urologist can check for any health conditions that might require medical intervention. If you have sexual performance anxiety, it can be treated with education and talk therapy, she said. A sex therapist may help you come up with a unique plan and address any underlying anxiety or depression.
There are a few books Marcantonio recommends that clients read, including Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski and The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld. In addition, sex therapists can help you learn to use performance-enhancing toys.
